Okay, so I've entered a fun contest by the amazing, Brenda Drake. There are awesome prizes offered up by the very generous, Weronica Janczuk. So check it out and then hop on over and sign up on Brenda Drake's blog here: http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com/2011/01/blogfest-contest-with-prizes-from-agent.html So now comes the part where I have to be brave and add my first sentence and you guys get to critque it and tell me if/how you think I can make it better. I appreciate any feedback. :)
Name: Morgan Lee
Title: Gabriel Stone and the Divinity of Valta:
Genre: MG fantasy adventure
Gabriel paused mid-step near the water's edge, captivated by the radiant hues glowing beneath the frigid water.
And the first two paragraphs if interested:
Gabriel paused mid-step near the water’s edge, captivated by the radiant hues glowing beneath the frigid water. Large ice chunks drifted through the base of the small waterfalls where he and his friends often hiked—but this time, something unusual caught his eye.
Gabriel stared trance-like across the middle of the water at an object trapped in a block of ice. It emitted an array of multi-colored lights that ascended into the air and curiously pulsed and looked to be letting off steam.
Gabriel stared trance-like across the middle of the water at an object trapped in a block of ice. It emitted an array of multi-colored lights that ascended into the air and curiously pulsed and looked to be letting off steam.
Intriguing. My only real suggestion is maybe consider putting "Gabriel paused mid-step" as the first clause to give it a more active feel.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kate. I actually had it worded exactly like you suggested first. Then I joined in on a webinar by an agent, and he mentioned not to start your first sentence with a character's name. So I changed it. lol I guess you and I think alike.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kate, and I would also change it to frozen water... otherwise, I think she's looking at the water as it freezes... or is it moving? :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree with Kate as well. And what Margo says makes sense. "Freezing" makes it sound like Gabriel is standing in the water, which if he is then leave it alone cause it makes perfect sense...nice sentence, though!
ReplyDeleteAnd you got a new follower!
Great imagery. But switching to active voice as the others suggest would help pull in the reader even more with the curiosity of radiant colors moving beneath frozen water. Good luck and success in your publication dreams, Roland
ReplyDeleteIt makes me wonder what's glowing down there. And I did think he was in the water, too. As Kate said, Intriguing!
ReplyDeleteIf you are keen to avoid have Gabe's name first, how about:
ReplyDeleteMid-step, Gabriel paused stunned/captivated/enraptured/etc by the radiant hues glowing beneath the freezing water.
Thanks everyone for all the comments thus far. Margo,yes the water is moving. Elaine, I do like the word captivated..it is, well captivating! lol. Thanks! He is not in the water. I posted the complete first paragraph if anyone is interested in reading it. Good luck. I'm trying to make my way through other people posts. :)
ReplyDeleteI would change glowed to glowing, but other than that I love it. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteAmazing imagery! I love love love it. But yeah, along with what everyone else said, the word order needs to be tweaked.
ReplyDeleteWas a little, um, flat.
ReplyDeleteStart with the character pausing midstep, rather than than the confusing radiant hues.
I do like the imagery. Describing the hues' colors would be overkill. I do like it the way it is- why is Gabriel stopping, though, I wondered after reading the first few paragraphs? Is he seeing something that cautioning him to stop?
ReplyDeleteI do like the book trailer contest, and I think I'd like to enter! I'll be looking at your blog to sign up!
Good luck with the contest!
That is a great opening sentence. I love the scene you have set up and I would definitely keep reading. Thanks for including the first two paragraphs! Excellent work!
ReplyDeleteI really like this! The only thing I would change is "from beneath." I think you can omit "from." It doesn't change anything, but it tightens the sentence up just a bit.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your first line. It made me wonder what was next (and glad you posted the first two paragraphs). Sometimes, first lines can be tricky.
ReplyDeleteI liked your first line. The one suggestion I can make is to bring Gabriel pausing mid-step to the front of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments! I've changed the wording around. Hope it's better. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Morgan! Good start (and I like the first paragraph), but I'm not really feeling the "the BLANK hues glowing beneath the BLANK water" format. Have you tried moving your adjectives around? IE. "the radiant hues glowing beneath the water, colder today for some reason" or something.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. Looking at your paragraphs I would make one suggestion- the word ice is used twice in the sentence:
ReplyDeleteChunks of ice that looked like enormous ice cubes drifted throughout the base of the small water falls where he and his buds often hiked
It seems kind of redundant to describe ice as ice, at least to me. Maybe "chunks of frozen water", or something along those lines? I hate giving critiques and hope you don't find this comment presumptuous! I would definitely read on.
I like this! It has great imagery and I agree with most of the comments about freezing/frozen. Is this water freezing as he watches, or are we watching water moving under frozen water?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I think you can make this much stronger by focusing on what Gabriel is doing rather than what's happening around him, so the reader can identify with him.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
I love your revised version. Tough one on trying to not open with the protag's name--I'm sure I've seen it done in good books, though. On the confusion about how cold the water is, if it's not frozen, could you say 'frigid water' instead of freezing water?
ReplyDeleteNice imagery! I like the tweaked version--nice job!
ReplyDeleteI prefer the revised version, too. I definitely get the feel of a fantasy here. I love the character's name!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Wow, so much helpful advice, thanks. I'm getting cold with all this frigid, freezing, chilly, icy, icecube talk! haha
ReplyDeleteVbtremper, glad you like the main character's name--it is actually my son's name. :)
I'm gonna take all of this advice into consideration. I do appreciate it!
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your revise. I LOVE M/G fantasy. I would definitely read more.
Michael
Great job, Morgan, on the first line, but you already know I'm a fan of your story. Good luck and don't forget to post the finished product on my blog in the comment section of the contest post. :D
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you. It's posted now. Amen :D
ReplyDeleteI would be captivated by that too! hehe. Nice :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as if it's been reworked quite a bit from what you had originally, and seems quite polished now. It's not quite a dramatic opening, but it is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThis is more of a mood sentence than an action packed hook and I'm fine with that. It sets a tone of wonder and draws me in right away. No suggsetions here.
ReplyDeleteLove the radiant hues under the water!
ReplyDeleteVery... captivating lol. But seriously, I loved your whole passage that you posted. What really hooked me was the image of that glowing thing melting the ice. I wonder if you could somehow work that image into the first sentence. That way I'd be hooked from the start. Just a thought. Great work!
ReplyDeleteGreat tone and imagery. I like the version you have posted: Gabriel paused mid-step, captivated by the radiant hues glowing beneath the frigid water.
ReplyDeleteYou have some great imagery in these first two paragraphs!
ReplyDeleteI agree with some of the comments about the paused mid-step part and maybe making it more of an action. YOu def have a lot more of action and movement in the next sentences : )
I like it. He's going to see what's under the water and it has to do with the theme. Great.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening. I'd read on from here. I did actually. Loved the first two paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how comments vary. I like what I'm reading now.
ReplyDeleteIn mine, everyone said I needed to ADD his name, LOL.
You all are great. I appreciate the critiques, encouragement, and kind words. I wish everyone the best of luck! It was fun either way. Writers rock! :D
ReplyDelete