tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post4457668153888126279..comments2023-10-28T01:49:42.090-07:00Comments on Shannon Duffy: Fun contestShannon Duffyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12528431298121172482noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-34574590562599357022011-02-09T07:20:40.814-08:002011-02-09T07:20:40.814-08:00You all are great. I appreciate the critiques, enc...You all are great. I appreciate the critiques, encouragement, and kind words. I wish everyone the best of luck! It was fun either way. Writers rock! :DShannon Duffyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12528431298121172482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-16921353974056009882011-02-09T06:41:20.046-08:002011-02-09T06:41:20.046-08:00It's funny how comments vary. I like what I...It's funny how comments vary. I like what I'm reading now.<br /><br />In mine, everyone said I needed to ADD his name, LOL.Hope Welshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04007282596035816113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-29368783796638416922011-02-08T20:33:49.583-08:002011-02-08T20:33:49.583-08:00Great opening. I'd read on from here. I did ac...Great opening. I'd read on from here. I did actually. Loved the first two paragraphs.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08798243128846248604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-80456683891180073472011-02-08T17:25:40.929-08:002011-02-08T17:25:40.929-08:00I like it. He's going to see what's under ...I like it. He's going to see what's under the water and it has to do with the theme. Great.RaShelle Workmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582252557500502186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-13520745663171346172011-02-08T10:51:42.116-08:002011-02-08T10:51:42.116-08:00You have some great imagery in these first two par...You have some great imagery in these first two paragraphs!<br /><br />I agree with some of the comments about the paused mid-step part and maybe making it more of an action. YOu def have a lot more of action and movement in the next sentences : )Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-84794755305119356212011-02-08T10:42:02.882-08:002011-02-08T10:42:02.882-08:00Great tone and imagery. I like the version you ha...Great tone and imagery. I like the version you have posted: Gabriel paused mid-step, captivated by the radiant hues glowing beneath the frigid water.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-38558662722870231092011-02-08T10:03:44.319-08:002011-02-08T10:03:44.319-08:00Very... captivating lol. But seriously, I loved yo...Very... captivating lol. But seriously, I loved your whole passage that you posted. What really hooked me was the image of that glowing thing melting the ice. I wonder if you could somehow work that image into the first sentence. That way I'd be hooked from the start. Just a thought. Great work!Christine L. Arnoldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15678937811363853702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-54720427651096229222011-02-08T08:24:02.888-08:002011-02-08T08:24:02.888-08:00Love the radiant hues under the water!Love the radiant hues under the water!Shelley Wattershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01441028066774362849noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-71417366496575439822011-02-08T08:00:24.043-08:002011-02-08T08:00:24.043-08:00This is more of a mood sentence than an action pac...This is more of a mood sentence than an action packed hook and I'm fine with that. It sets a tone of wonder and draws me in right away. No suggsetions here.Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-48067531957563716392011-02-08T06:06:46.868-08:002011-02-08T06:06:46.868-08:00It sounds as if it's been reworked quite a bit...It sounds as if it's been reworked quite a bit from what you had originally, and seems quite polished now. It's not quite a dramatic opening, but it is intriguing.Richard Levangiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16596356126446766607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-56620575543333665302011-02-07T22:09:45.447-08:002011-02-07T22:09:45.447-08:00I would be captivated by that too! hehe. Nice :)I would be captivated by that too! hehe. Nice :)Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-82403746853564111902011-02-07T21:00:14.370-08:002011-02-07T21:00:14.370-08:00Thank you, thank you. It's posted now. Amen :D...Thank you, thank you. It's posted now. Amen :DShannon Duffyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12528431298121172482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-11093331426111501792011-02-07T19:29:45.601-08:002011-02-07T19:29:45.601-08:00Great job, Morgan, on the first line, but you alre...Great job, Morgan, on the first line, but you already know I'm a fan of your story. Good luck and don't forget to post the finished product on my blog in the comment section of the contest post. :DBrenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-55891749916692364012011-02-07T19:00:52.394-08:002011-02-07T19:00:52.394-08:00Morgan,
I really liked your revise. I LOVE M/G fa...Morgan,<br /><br />I really liked your revise. I LOVE M/G fantasy. I would definitely read more.<br /><br /><br />MichaelMichael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-43759396278950886062011-02-07T18:50:23.407-08:002011-02-07T18:50:23.407-08:00Wow, so much helpful advice, thanks. I'm getti...Wow, so much helpful advice, thanks. I'm getting cold with all this frigid, freezing, chilly, icy, icecube talk! haha <br />Vbtremper, glad you like the main character's name--it is actually my son's name. :)<br />I'm gonna take all of this advice into consideration. I do appreciate it!Shannon Duffyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12528431298121172482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-82514509468635696142011-02-07T18:04:26.604-08:002011-02-07T18:04:26.604-08:00I prefer the revised version, too. I definitely g...I prefer the revised version, too. I definitely get the feel of a fantasy here. I love the character's name!<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-81723912790183567762011-02-07T17:03:41.013-08:002011-02-07T17:03:41.013-08:00Nice imagery! I like the tweaked version--nice job...Nice imagery! I like the tweaked version--nice job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-17047921065165332962011-02-07T15:56:09.760-08:002011-02-07T15:56:09.760-08:00I love your revised version. Tough one on trying t...I love your revised version. Tough one on trying to not open with the protag's name--I'm sure I've seen it done in good books, though. On the confusion about how cold the water is, if it's not frozen, could you say 'frigid water' instead of freezing water?Linda Grayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18001433214194860481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-6449991762284602922011-02-07T15:55:21.030-08:002011-02-07T15:55:21.030-08:00I think you can make this much stronger by focusin...I think you can make this much stronger by focusing on what Gabriel is doing rather than what's happening around him, so the reader can identify with him.<br />Thanks for sharing!kathrynjankowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16708011523767228663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-77230218502402482252011-02-07T15:45:08.854-08:002011-02-07T15:45:08.854-08:00I like this! It has great imagery and I agree wit...I like this! It has great imagery and I agree with most of the comments about freezing/frozen. Is this water freezing as he watches, or are we watching water moving under frozen water? <br /><br />Good luck!Corinne Ohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02808893058098769844noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-11766947605105070812011-02-07T14:56:40.172-08:002011-02-07T14:56:40.172-08:00I like this a lot. Looking at your paragraphs I w...I like this a lot. Looking at your paragraphs I would make one suggestion- the word ice is used twice in the sentence: <br />Chunks of ice that looked like enormous ice cubes drifted throughout the base of the small water falls where he and his buds often hiked<br /><br />It seems kind of redundant to describe ice as ice, at least to me. Maybe "chunks of frozen water", or something along those lines? I hate giving critiques and hope you don't find this comment presumptuous! I would definitely read on.Gina Cioccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18024256412233972412noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-52748719496986870962011-02-07T14:43:34.243-08:002011-02-07T14:43:34.243-08:00Hi Morgan! Good start (and I like the first paragr...Hi Morgan! Good start (and I like the first paragraph), but I'm not really feeling the "the BLANK hues glowing beneath the BLANK water" format. Have you tried moving your adjectives around? IE. "the radiant hues glowing beneath the water, colder today for some reason" or something.Kathryn Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05270893925385208665noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-37169773241462043842011-02-07T14:23:38.446-08:002011-02-07T14:23:38.446-08:00Thank you all for your comments! I've changed ...Thank you all for your comments! I've changed the wording around. Hope it's better. :)Shannon Duffyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12528431298121172482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-58335256509056916162011-02-07T14:05:45.710-08:002011-02-07T14:05:45.710-08:00I liked your first line. The one suggestion I can ...I liked your first line. The one suggestion I can make is to bring Gabriel pausing mid-step to the front of the sentence.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9051575843625193979.post-71470872865381936232011-02-07T13:19:28.047-08:002011-02-07T13:19:28.047-08:00I enjoyed your first line. It made me wonder what ...I enjoyed your first line. It made me wonder what was next (and glad you posted the first two paragraphs). Sometimes, first lines can be tricky.Miranda Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17880449368013410349noreply@blogger.com